I've fallen into bad habits.
That is to say, I've fallen into my old habits, and am acting like nothing is different (again!). I have to admit its very difficult to reconcile the ASD side of myself with my self-image. I find it hard to acknowledge that there is something different about me (there definitely isn't anything wrong with me!) when what I am is all I know.
But there are days, like today, when my strangeness is right out there in the open and I just can't escape it. And when i do, I come running back to blogging like an old friend who will not judge me. Maybe this'll teach me to do it more often again. Who knows? (rhetorical)
Today alone I have had 2 incidents within the space of a few minutes which unbalanced me. Firstly was when I overheard a conversation about one of the people in work needing to borrow a laptop - a scarce resource at the moment - and being told that we couldn't help. She then realised someone else who she would be working with may have one, and expressed this by saying "Steve might have his laptop, mightn't he?"
My face flushed and my stomach grew taut. I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate and had to keep my head down until they left the room. I immediately scuttled over to another colleague and asked "what do you think of the word "mightn't"?". She pondered this for a moment and said "well, its a colloquial use term, but not one I would use myself."
I frowned "so my instinct to throttle her for it is an overreaction?"
That was an hour ago, and I still don't think it is! MIGHTN'T?!?!?!?!?! There aren't enough swear words in the world to express my distaste.
Shortly after that, I walked past another colleague who is lucky enough to be pregnant again, and I noticed that as well as her swelling belly, her chest is growing. She is fairly flat-chested normally, so its noticeable.
I wanted to try to find a polite way to mention this, which appears to be an impossibility
wow, you're really starting to swell now. Have you had to buy new bras yet? no, that makes me sound like I am interested in her underwear.
Are your nipples all sensitive? hmm... a definite no.
how many sizes have your boobs incre...just stop.
I found myself stuck in an obsessive loop: I can't not say anything, but there is nothing I can say, and I started getting frantic and panicky, and had to go and talk to the new girl (who is middle aged and sensible) with whom i have developed a decent working relationship, just to say to her "Can you tell me if there is a polite way of telling a woman "your tits look bigger". I muddled this sentence out all in one, so it was more like
she took it in her stride, laughed with me about my dilemma and gave me a few tips on talking about how well my pregnant colleague is blossoming/ blooming/ looking flush with health. All of which will apparently be interpreted as "i can see your bosom expanding."
So I did.
And I am left feeling disappointed as I don't feel I said what i wanted to say, but at the same time the compulsion has left me and I can move on. I'm glad its over, but it has jst served to remind me that all it takes is 2 minor incidents in quick succession and I am close to my limit. I need to find a way to cope better.